Cheers and Jeers: Monday

“Man was made at the end of a week’s work when God was tired.”

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“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”

“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.”

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.”

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

Twain would’ve been 186 this week. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book ban-happy MAGA cult.

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 29, 2021

Note: We hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.  If, instead, you had a terrible one, you’ll be pleased to know that the C&J Memory Eraser 5000 is back in service.  Just insert $5,000 in quarters and push the red button.  We’d tell you what happens next, but our legal team says that’s proprietary information. (But you will want to wear a blast helmet and disable your smoke detectors for a moment.) —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

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10 months ‘til impact!!!

Days ’til Christmas: 26

Months ’til NASA’s asteroid-redirection spacecraft reaches the Dimorphos asteroid to test its asteroid redirection skills: 10

Jobs created in the first 10 months of the Biden administration: 5.5 million

Barrels of oil being pumped out of Canada‘s tar sand pits every day: 3 million

Number of plans Canada has to reduce production by the 2030s: 0

Number of bird species that Maine is home to (107 of which are migratory): 292

Age of Stephen Sondheim when he died on Friday: 91

Puppy Pic of the Day: Post-Thanksgiving Thanks…

JEERS to the new malignant narcissist contestant on the world stage. It’s from South Africa, a Sagittarius, wants to take long walks along your respiratory system and stab your immune system in the back, and loves dressing in frilly jammies and adding pumpkin spice to absolutely everything.  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our next contestant in the Miss and/or Mister Covid-variant Pageant, Omicron!!!

A host of countries, including Australia, Brazil, Canada, Iran, Japan, and Thailand joined others, including the European Union and the U.K., in imposing restrictions on southern African countries in response to warnings over the transmissibility of the new variant.

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Borax injections will save us. You’ll see!

Despite the shutdown of flights, there was increasing evidence that the variant is already spreading. Britain became the latest country Saturday to report cases, with two confirmed.

The global health body has named the new variant Omicron, labeling it a variant of concern because of its high number of mutations and some early evidence that it carries a higher degree of infection than other variants. That means people who contractedCOVID-19 and recovered could be subject to catching it again.

For the talent portion, Omicron will fill humanity’s lungs with fluid while playing Brahms’ lullaby on the cello. Oh, I say just give the damn thing the crown and sash already.

CHEERS to happy numbers. Since Omicron may be about to throw us all back into a new dark age of lockdowns, mask mandates, horse de-wormers, bleach injections, and vaccines with needles the size of murder hornet stingers, let’s take one last look at our thriving economy, via Biden Chief of Staff Ron Klain’s optimism-on-steroids twitter feed, while we still can:

»  President Biden said people in the U.S. are starting small businesses at a record rate and called his administration the ‘small business presidency.’

»  Consumer spending up. Wages up. Production up.

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Everything is awesome. Also: we’re doomed.

»  Department store retail growth up 40% versus last year during Thanksgiving week. Electronics up 30%.

»  Supply chain issues are less than last year.

»  The Biden jobs story isn’t just good. It’s spectacular. Over 5.5 million jobs created in 10 months. The lowest jobless claims in 52 years.

»  Our strong economy is leading the world recovery.

»  Morgan Stanley raises Q4 GDP tracking from 3.0% to 8.7%.”

»  President Biden announces coordinated action to ease global oil prices.

 And it’s all about to go swirling down the drain. Or as Republicans call it: Christmas in November.

CHEERS to famous firsts. On November 29, 1929 Commander Richard Byrd became the first non-bird to fly over the South Pole.  A friend of mine did that, too. Then the weed wore off and he realized he was still in his mom’s basement.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to a place of their own.  On this date in 1947—despite strong Arab opposition—the U.N. General Assembly voted for the partition of Palestine and the creation of an independent Jewish state.  Aside from the decades of bombs and violence and starvation and human rights abuses and terrorism and suspicion and hatred, it’s going rather well, don’t you think?

CHEERS to making the bad guys pay. The Republican-allied Nazi organizers of that 2017 “very fine people” riot in Charlottesville got slapped with a massive $25 million bill for their 24 hours of tiki torch terrorism. And when all the other Republican-allied Nazi terrorists in America heard about it, they ceased their operations, went legit, and began calling for peace and equality throughout the land. And in other news…

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Ten years ago in C&J: November 29, 2011

CHEERS to priceless juxtapositions. On last night’s edition of The Last Word, Lawrence O’Donnell went into a commercial break by promoting his “Rewrite” segment this way: “Coming up: The Marine Commandant changes his position on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”  The video playing over his narration was Congressman Barney Frank ambling up to a microphone. And I thought to myself, “Oh, if only…” It was a bit of unintentional levity on an otherwise downer day, with news that Frank is retiring at the end of next year. But y’know what? He’s 71, so good on him for wanting to spend some time kickin’ back with a mimosa in one hand and a cigar in the other on a balcony overlooking Provincetown or Ogunquit. Memo to Keith Olbermann: “Countdown Political Analyst Barney Frank” has a nice ring to it, no?

And just one more…

CHEERS to Menorah palooza.  This week is one of dread in my neck of the woods, as I become what my neighbors fear most: an Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my homemade latkes topped with fresh fire extinguisher foam.  So far I’ve taken out six windows, two lampposts and a hedge with the former, and made the old lady down the street tap into her supplemental dental insurance with the latter. We trust things are a little more peaceful where you are since the Jewish counterpart to Christmas started yesterday at sundown. Which reminds me…

It was just before Hanukkah and Miriam was giving directions to her grown-up grandson, who was coming to visit for the first time since she’d moved to her new apartment.

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“Come to the front door, “Miriam said. “There’s a panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I’ll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the third-floor button. When you get out, my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” said the grandson. “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

Replied Miriam: “You’re coming to visit empty handed?”

Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!! Or, in the immortal words of thankfully-former Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: “Molotov!”

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

President Joe Biden’s vacation is in the news this week, but you probably won’t see him do what he did for his 70th birthday: take a running plunge into the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool.

—Mediaite



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